Transference-Maria Antsupova

Entry 1

            A couple years ago my younger brother, whose name I need not mention here, was seriously ill. When it all started we thought that he just had a fever and he would be fine in a couple days, but it only got worse as the days passed by. We had to take him to a doctor a hundred miles away from our house. It turned out that our brother had paranoia. The doctor explained to us that he was heavily influenced by fear, to the point of irrationality and delusion. Nights were even worse when the moon was full and bright. He could wake up in the middle of the night and start screaming “Stop trying to eat me”.

Entry 2

            I have read that it is fairly normal for everyone to have some degree of paranoia about certain situations in their lives. However, my brother takes it to the extreme, he thinks that other people, including mother, our little sister, and myself, want to harm him, even though we consistently tell him otherwise. It got hard to get along with him and we started arguing with him more often. He used to spend nights and days in his room without talking to us or even eating. When the whole family got together for dinner he was very stubborn and sarcastic around us. One day he even said: So, what’s for dinner tonight? Our neighbors have been looking tasty” I don’t know how to help him, how to save him from this madness.

Entry 3

            We lost track of how many times we tried to help him. Our friends recommended a very good psychologist that has experience in treating this kind of personality disorder, but my brother refused any help from us or anybody else. He is in constant fear that we are all cannibals, and that sooner or later we will try to harm him.

Entry 4

            Today I tried to have an honest conversation with my brother telling him that we are his family and he should trust us. He interrupted me before I finished talking; he took a knife from the kitchen table and told me if I don’t stay away from him he would hurt me. I didn’t have another choice but to leave. I don’t know what happened, but my brother isn’t the man that he used to be.

Entry 5

            It’s been three months since my brother got sick. It’s unbearable to live with him in the same house anymore. He was constantly accusing us of cannibalism. My mother, little sister, and I had a family meeting today and we all decided that it would be better for everybody if we put him in a hospital for long-term psychotherapy.

Entry 6

            Today is the four year anniversary since we put my brother in the hospital. The doctor is saying that he is doing very well and it is possible that in a month we can take him home. O gosh, I missed him so much!

Entry 7

             Yesterday we got a call at 5 am from the hospital saying that my brother escaped to the roof and that we needed to get to the hospital as soon as we can. By the time we got there my brother was dead. He accidentally fell to his death, when security attempted to grab him. I still can’t believe that happened…

Entry 8

            Recently I started to have a feeling that I passionately need to eat raw meat. I always ask nurses to cook my meat raw, and have had no interest in any other type of food. Everybody in the hospital smells like meat to me, so I try to stay away from everyone. My mom comes to visit me once a week. My sister, though, hasn’t visited me yet. Maybe if I invite her for dinner some time, she will accept. I’ll even invite the neighbors—they look tasty.