Transference-Maria Antsupova

Entry 1

            A couple years ago my younger brother, whose name I need not mention here, was seriously ill. When it all started we thought that he just had a fever and he would be fine in a couple days, but it only got worse as the days passed by. We had to take him to a doctor a hundred miles away from our house. It turned out that our brother had paranoia. The doctor explained to us that he was heavily influenced by fear, to the point of irrationality and delusion. Nights were even worse when the moon was full and bright. He could wake up in the middle of the night and start screaming “Stop trying to eat me”.

Entry 2

            I have read that it is fairly normal for everyone to have some degree of paranoia about certain situations in their lives. However, my brother takes it to the extreme, he thinks that other people, including mother, our little sister, and myself, want to harm him, even though we consistently tell him otherwise. It got hard to get along with him and we started arguing with him more often. He used to spend nights and days in his room without talking to us or even eating. When the whole family got together for dinner he was very stubborn and sarcastic around us. One day he even said: So, what’s for dinner tonight? Our neighbors have been looking tasty” I don’t know how to help him, how to save him from this madness.

Entry 3

            We lost track of how many times we tried to help him. Our friends recommended a very good psychologist that has experience in treating this kind of personality disorder, but my brother refused any help from us or anybody else. He is in constant fear that we are all cannibals, and that sooner or later we will try to harm him.

Entry 4

            Today I tried to have an honest conversation with my brother telling him that we are his family and he should trust us. He interrupted me before I finished talking; he took a knife from the kitchen table and told me if I don’t stay away from him he would hurt me. I didn’t have another choice but to leave. I don’t know what happened, but my brother isn’t the man that he used to be.

Entry 5

            It’s been three months since my brother got sick. It’s unbearable to live with him in the same house anymore. He was constantly accusing us of cannibalism. My mother, little sister, and I had a family meeting today and we all decided that it would be better for everybody if we put him in a hospital for long-term psychotherapy.

Entry 6

            Today is the four year anniversary since we put my brother in the hospital. The doctor is saying that he is doing very well and it is possible that in a month we can take him home. O gosh, I missed him so much!

Entry 7

             Yesterday we got a call at 5 am from the hospital saying that my brother escaped to the roof and that we needed to get to the hospital as soon as we can. By the time we got there my brother was dead. He accidentally fell to his death, when security attempted to grab him. I still can’t believe that happened…

Entry 8

            Recently I started to have a feeling that I passionately need to eat raw meat. I always ask nurses to cook my meat raw, and have had no interest in any other type of food. Everybody in the hospital smells like meat to me, so I try to stay away from everyone. My mom comes to visit me once a week. My sister, though, hasn’t visited me yet. Maybe if I invite her for dinner some time, she will accept. I’ll even invite the neighbors—they look tasty.

Descent-Jarrod Clark

I

Perhaps today is the first day of my new life. The first day that I can appreciate my freedom. My freedom, which I did not acquire easily, from that fatal friend of mine that I so foolishly trusted. But that no longer matters. I am back to myself, and I can finally return to my work. Soon, my “friend” will be nothing but a memory.

II

My family is not reacting to my return the way that I wish. They do not want me to return to my work. If they think they can stop me, they’re as insane as I was. My work is incredibly important—not just to myself, but to everyone. Perhaps this is what my new life will be like. No matter, I will continue as I always have; alone.

III

I am beginning to notice people outside my home. They watch me from their windows, their cars, while walking their dogs. Some of them even take notes, I would swear by it. I will continue to record their actions, and act accordingly should I feel that they will be a complication to my work. Tommy, the only member of my family that I still trust, has taken to bringing food and water to me, since I will not leave. This is just as well, since I no longer need to put my work on hold to eat.

IV

Even Tommy has abandoned me. We had an argument over my work- Tommy thinks that I will get sick again. Though he argued that he was worried about my health, I know his true intentions. He means to take my work, as his own. Unfortunately, I no longer have a means to acquire food or water. I must focus harder on my work. Maybe I can find solace in solitude.

V

I have realized my true mistake. I thought that my friend was false. I believed that I could rely on my family to support me, but I was wrong. With my old friends help, I will return to my work.

VI

I am running out.

VII

I have run out. I cannot focus. I realized today that I have not eaten or showered in days. I cannot remember the last time I slept. I must have more. Yet somehow, I know that those people that watch me must have some. Tonight, after dark, I will sneak outside. I will find one of them, and I will take theirs. Tonight, I will regain what I have lost. After tonight, my work can continue.

A Mad Girls Life

 A Mad Girl’s Life

There were three best friends that did everything together. They grew up together, went to the same schools, shared the same teachers and even shared the same boyfriend at one point of time. Kara, Amber and Tori were the girl’s names. One day they came across Bill. He had good looks and was a bad boy which melted all three of their hearts at the same time. Since they all had the hots for him they formed a pack and promised each other they wouldn’t go for him because it wouldn’t be fair. Each of them broke their promises but none of them knew anything about the others relationship until Tori went missing and left behind the most detailed diary any of them ever read. Tori had left behind so many clues for her friends now turned enemies to try and come find her so that she could apologize to them. Although her friends were upset that she broke the pack, unaware that she know they did the same they decided to go find their best friend and reveal their secrets to her. They opened the diary and dove right in. Surprisingly every entry was dated and even had titles for them.

The Very First Day                                                                             June 3^rd, 2013

It was the last day of school and me and my girlfriends were getting ready to start our summer off right. We’d planned to go to the beach everyday if we could and hit on all the hot guys. All of us are virgins and we wanted to find three cute guys that are all friends as well to break our virginities and become our boyfriends. That was our main goal before the summer was over and we started school back it being our senior year in high school. My whole mind changed once we all saw Bill. He was tall, blonde and looked like he had a lot going on. We all had heels over head for him which is why we made a pack and sworn none of us would try to get with him. The type of friends I have, I couldn’t trust for anything no matter how long we’ve been friends. I know eventually there will be a moment where one of us would get our hands on him so I’ve decided that one to be me!

Day Dreaming                                                                                                 June 5^th, 2013

I couldn’t stop thinking about him. He’s been running through my mind since the first time I saw him. I wanted so desperately to tell him how I felt but I couldn’t let the girls find out, they’d never forgive me. I’ve been thinking about a plan to get with Bill, I plan to make him have some type of trust in me and put him in the palm of my hands.

I Got Him                                                                                                       June 10^th, 2013

I finally got my chance. It’s so surreal I don’t even know if I can take it, I didn’t think it would have been so easy. I decided to send him a cheesy little message on Facebook and he replied the next day telling me how he felt the same way and wanted us to talk. I was so happy I couldn’t bare it but I had to hide my excitement from the girls who seemed to be hiding something themselves. Probably was nothing, I was just too happy to even be concerned about that. Myself and Bill decided that we’d keep our seeing each other a secret until we really got serious. We decided to set a date a few days from now and see a movie and hang out to get to know each other. I can’t wait for that day.

A lot Of Dates                                                                                                            June 20^th, 2013

Me and Bill have been on about six dates since the first time we’ve met. They’ve all been amazing and I’ll remember every last one well ever go on. He’s the nicest, sweetest guy I’ve ever met. We hadn’t had sex yet because he says he wants to take things slow with me. I’ve agreed but I am so ready for us to do it and not be a virgin anymore. His eighteenth birthday is tomorrow so hopefully he’s planning to have me then. Since I’m so sure that we will do it I want to go out and buy some nice laundry maybe from Victoria’s secret. It’ll have to be green since that’s his favorite color. It’s so crazy that all of this is happening so fast but I haven’t a lot of time left before I go back to school and I want to start my senior year off right. And speaking of not enough time left, it’s crazy me and my best friends haven’t even hung out since the last day of school. Every time I’m free from Bill they’re out doing something already. It really sucks because I miss them and I and Bill are getting serious and I’m almost ready to tell them.

The Best Day Ever                                                                                          June 21^st, 2013

Today was so wonderful and meaningful to me, words can’t even describe the feeling I feel for Bill. We met at his house and I had already planned I wanted to do something special for his birthday the day before. I lit candles all around his room and made him a nice dinner. We ate our food, talked and laughed about everything and then he took my body in all the ways I imagined him to. I’ve never felt how I felt after tonight, it was amazing. Unfortunately Bill had to end the night early because his family had something else planned which I thought was odd since it was so late but that didn’t matter. After tonight I might be falling in love with Bill and I’m ready to share that with everyone.

It’s Not the Same                                                                                            June 24^th, 2013

Ever since the night me and Bill did it he’s been acting really weird. I told him I was falling in love with him but didn’t say it back. He told me he didn’t feel the same way yet, not even after he took my virginity. I was disappointed he felt that way but it was my job to change that. I decided to hold off on telling the girls just yet after that conversation. I told him I was going to make him fall in love with me.

No Change                                                                                                      June 30^th, 2013

Still since the day we had sex and had that conversation everything is still really strange between me him. All we is have sex and gets up and leave. And when he is here he’s always on his phone and somewhat hiding it from me. I’ve been doing all I could to be a good girlfriend I just want us to work. I know something is going on with him that he is not telling me and I will get to the bottom of it.

I can’t believe it                                                                                                          May 2^nd, 2013

I can’t even explain the hurt I have in my heart right now. Bill has did the ultimate betrayal of all. He actually had the nerve to tell me that he’s been seeing not only Kara but Amber as well. My whole entire heart dropped and I was speechless. He said he couldn’t go on lying anymore, that his heart couldn’t take it. He told me he loved all three of us enough to end his madness and move on. How could somebody ever do something like that? I was astonished. After today I don’t anything will ever be the same.

Goodbye                                                                                                                     May 5^th, 2013

Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse. Bill goes to tell me that not only have he been screwing my friends, but screwing them unprotected. We’ve never used condoms since the very first time we had sex. I didn’t think nothing of it because we were together and I thought it was just me and him but evidently I was wrong. Bill has HIV and he has known that he had it from the very beginning. He went on to explain that he saw how vulnerable and desperate me and my friends were and told himself he’d screw us all over just because he knew he could. I couldn’t believe the words he was telling me. I wanted to drop dead right then and there but then again something else came to my mind. I was going to kill this guy that did this to me and my friends even though we all betrayed each other in a way this is not okay to happen to anybody. But I’m leaving this journal for you, Kara and Amber to find so you can know the truth. We may all be HIV positive but Bill is going to die today.

Notebook of a New Kid

It was the first day at a new school. I’m up early as usual. But something is different about today.  I go on with my normal morning routine. I finally get down stairs for breakfast. I ask my mom how I should approach the kids at school? What do I say to them and where will I fit in? She said to me “ it will all work its self out just go and be you”. That was the plan I finished up eating, ran upstairs to get all of my stuff I needed for school that day. When I was ready I told my mom I would see her later on that day. All I hear as I’m running out of he house is “have a good day sweetie” I had a notebook inside my book bag to keep track of how my day goes.

      I.         I didn’t have to wait for the bus very long, the bus pulled up and the bus driver opened the doors and yelled get on the bus and shut up. I figured that was just because he was cranky this morning. As I went to sit with different kids they all just kind of stared at me and watched me like I was some piece of meat. So I minded my own business and went to the back of the bus and sat by my self.

    II.         An other boy approached me when we got off the bus. He introduced him self and said don’t take any offense to people not wanting to sit with you, they see you as the outsider or the lowest person on the food chain. As I walked to my new classroom I could only think to my self what did he mean about food chain.

  III.         My first period class seems nice. My teacher comes off as a very nice and intelligent lady. She introduced her self to the class, as she called roll I started to notice how different kids would react when their name was called upon. I thought to myself how do I make my self look cool so that other kids might talk to me. My name is called and all I can blurt out of my mouth is that’s me. I’ve never had so many eyes on me. They all were just staring at me for a solid minute. Which felt like eternity

   IV.          The hallways were a good place to see how things worked. I slowly walked beside a wall with out lockers to see what these kids do. My observations were cut short when I had to run quickly to my next class

     V.         I’ve made it. It’s finally lunchtime. After a morning of running around avoiding people and trying to not be eaten by all the other kids, I would say I have done a good job so far. I walk into the cafeteria and this place is buzzing with tones of people. It kind of reminds me of the jungle. The table full of jocks seems to be in control of everything they remind me of the lions feeding off of everyone else’s lunches. There was a table for just about every group in school. The higher you were on the food chain the closer you were to the cafeteria food line. Those higher up on the food chain were able to eat first. They had what choice they wanted. It was so embedded into all these kids minds that when I went to go get food everyone stopped and starred at me like I just broke the law. I have started to realize that not many people are going to be very welcoming to the new kid. I know I could figure out somewhere to fit in, but where.

   VI.         After my amazing lunch time experience came the physical education class or how some people like me would call it, jock city class. This is where the strong eat the weak. They strive on their physical abilities to weaken others for later on in the day.

 VII.         Finally the last class of the day, I am almost home free. I can’t wait to get out of here. This new school is to much to handle. I am constantly looking behind my back because I’m scared some one is going to push me or embarrass me in front of the whole school.

VIII.         The bus ride home was quite. I stuck to my self. I avoided all of the animals higher on the food chain. Once the bus driver pulled up to my bus stop, I ran outside of the bus and right home. I did not want to have to deal with anyone else that day. I wanted to go back and look into my notebook and see how I can change things for the next day. 

   IX.         My mom asked me how my first day of school went. I told her it’s like a jungle in there, being the new kid is like being a piece of meat thrown into the lions den. I should be all right I’m going to try my best not to give into this whole concept of social acceptance and just be myself. If there are any other kids who are going to be attending a new school in the future I hope they see these entries from my notebook some way, so that it could help them.

Save the new kids from the jungle  

"Ramblings of a Madman"

The eyes are watching,

Always watching,

Consuming me whole.

I am rendered helpless,

Defenseless.

I struggle to find

A place void of the outside.

My mind…

No one is safe.

Take heed of my warnings.

These creatures lurk

Amongst the living

Consuming…

The eyes are watching.

Trust only yourself

Or be lost to oblivion.

Shake free

From the alluring trance.

Open your eyes…

The eyes are watching

Always watching.

Take a step back.

Conspiracy everywhere.

Fear not,

The real men do what is right.

Change is at hand,

Victory will bring peace.

All is lost

If a madman be decreed.

No one shall hear my plea,

I have been labeled.

Weight bears down on me…

Trapped but not destroyed.

The eyes are watching…

And I watch back.

Wet eyes shall bring no respite

For the false ones feel no shame.

They act unbeknownst,

Strangling our humanity.

The eyes are continually watching,

Yet hope is attainable.

Look to the children…

Save the children.

Disillusion of Wisdom

         There it lay, among the dust and the clutter, the boxes and the endless stacks of paper; there lay my father’s journal. They said he had been dead for nearly two weeks when they found him trapped behind the door of his bedroom that had been boarded up with thick plywood, the sawdust still strewn about the room making it thick with debris. I saw long, deep scratches and carvings scattered throughout the deep oak floors, the same floors that structured the house he and my mother had bought nearly 50 years ago.

            It had been four years and six months since I had last seen my father, and even then he was merely a shadow of his former self. I doubt I would even recognize the man they found here just thirteen days ago, trapped and empty. I picked up the leather bound journal between my hands and felt the smooth calf skin caress my palms. I opened the cover, unprepared for what I was about to see inside, but what I was about to learn would change me forever…

I

If they think that they will take me, they are wrong. I see their glaring eyes through the slats in my windows, and their whispers from beyond my front porch. They want me gone, they want me dead. They think that I am useless; they no longer see my value. But if they think I am not going without a fight, they are wrong…

II

Today is the day I am free. I have turned the last lock, and there is no going back. I have installed not one, but 4 deadbolts on the front and back doors. The windows are boarded and nailed shut. I look down at my hands; I admire what they have just accomplished. They all see the wrinkling, the weathering of my hands, they think that they are useless and are no longer valuable. But this is not what I see. I see the indentation of the wedding band I have worn for nearly fifty years, and the commitments that I have made. I see the scars from years of labor that has made me strong and durable. I see the wrinkles that have developed with my wisdom. Where others see nothing, I see a man with seventy-six years of stories, memories and knowledge. I am proud of what I see.

III

My daughter called today at 3:02 p.m. My telephone service was cancelled by 3:08 p.m.

IV

It has been twenty-nine days since my exile. I hear knocks on my door from time to time, but they appear much less frequently now. Do they really think I am that naïve? I may not be as sharp as I once was, but I am certainly more intelligent. Wherever they are trying to take me, whatever they are trying to do to me, I will always be one step ahead of them.

V

There are children playing on the sidewalk in front of my house today. I peek through the cracks in the boarded up windows to see them gathered in a small circle, their noses pushed up against the screens of their cell phones. I begin to wonder what has happened to this generation. When I was young, you respected your elders, and now they don’t respect much of anything. I feel a seed of hate in me, planting its roots deep inside of me and beginning to flower. I quickly duck away as one of them turns their gaze in my direction. They must be in on it too; someone must have sent them here. I move up to my bedroom with more sheets of plywood in hand. I nail and saw until no one can ever find me again.

VI

I am feeling more weak and famished than ever before. One could argue that I have not had a decent meal since my wife died, but now it has been nearly two weeks without substantial nourishment. But I cannot go out there. The second I step foot outside they will come for me, I can feel them lurking and waiting to strike. I will ration what I have left, that is far better than encountering the outside world. I have seen the homes that they put us in; I have seen the neglect and the inhumane treatment. How can they do this to us? We have worked for their generation and their generation’s generation, and yet they toss us to the side like rubbish. But not me, I will not be one of them.

VII

I have begun burrowing a system of tunnels within my house. I can feel them closing in on me; I am beginning to suffocate. I hear their voices all around me; I feel them inside of me. I know it is only a matter of time before they destroy the fortress I have built. So I have constructed a series of tunnels and trenches that will lead me underneath the house when they come for me. The thought of it makes me want to laugh, those fools. I can already hear them downstairs; they are living in my home and burrowing inside of my walls.

VIII

This will be my last entry; this will be the last day that I live. They have come for me, they are taking me away. They have begun to eat at my skin, to burrow inside of my mind, and they have taken my precious memories. I am a shadow of the man I once was. I will leave you with this; do not take your time for granted. We appreciate new far more than we appreciate the old. This is an injustice. Graying hair and wrinkling skin is a beautiful sign of a long and knowledgeable life. For these things deserve praise and appreciation, not isolation and banishment. Value and respect your elders, for we have lived far greater than what you have; learn from our mistakes and treasure our memories.

            I am leaving now, never to return. Remember me fondly not by what you see now, but what you have loved in the past. There is nothing more that I can do. They are closing in; I feel the restraints around my wrists and the forceful hands tugging at my weak body.  I feel a warm liquid pooling around me, it is comforting. I see the black spots in my vision and the life pour from my body. This will be the end now; this will be all that I have fought for…

            Dementia. That’s what the doctors called it. I decided to keep the diary for myself, never to share with anyone. I chose to remember him as a loving father, a faithful husband, and a kind and gentle spirit. It was hard to remember that man though; as I look around the boarded home that I grew up in, strewn with newspaper clippings and bloody marks on the walls. I see gaping holes in the floorboards that he had dug with his hands and paranoid messages he had scribbled across the walls. It was time for me to go, I couldn’t look at this place a minute longer, and I couldn’t bear to see what my father had become. Just as I was turning to leave, I noticed a small sentence scratched into the corner baseboard of the room.

You never came for me. Now, I’ll be coming back for you.

-Dad